On Being a FATTY.

I'm pretty sure that no one reads this blog, so I almost feel it's 'safe' to express my feelings without being judged too much.

Yes, I am fat. I am stereotypically so, I am loud with it, laugh a lot, have people laugh at my jokes, sing lots and give amazing hugs. I play way too much on my strong Essex accent around my uni friends, pick up random phrases and repeat them to death until the next cool thing comes along. I love clothes, I love colour, I love pattern and I don't think this would change if I were slim. I think I'd experiment more with colour and pattern in my wardrobe had plus size retailers had any clue about shape and fit of clothes. Yes, I am a larger lady, does this mean I wish to wear a teepee? No, it does not. Does this mean that I should lose weight so I can be fashionable? Probably, if I was going to be shallow about all of this.

I am approaching 21 years old, I'm 5ft 10 inches tall and I am typically a size 22/24 sometimes bigger. I don't know how much I weigh, I am allergic to scales. This is not a new thing. I have been fat forever. Since I can remember I have had people talking to or about me saying 'Oh, you have SUCH a lovely face, you'd be so pretty if only you lost weight' even my secondary school friends innocently trying to make me feel better about myself 'You could have any guy you wanted...if only you lost weight' Gee, it's as if my head loses it's aesthetic value because of the body it lives on. I've never had an issue with my face, aside from the standard female 'bad face day' thing. This is normal.

I do, however, have a massive issue with my massive body. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I could blame society for posting an unhealthy image of female beauty on every wall of the public eye, or I could go with what my body is telling me. It is not healthy, it feels, and looks GROSS. Aside from the hideousness of my rolls, I'm fed up with my thighs chafing when I walk so that my jeans rip at the crotch from where the denim has worn thin... I dislike muffin tops and I hate that I have had big boobs in forever and they will start to sag. I am VERY insecure, not only in how I look, but what I can actually do. I'd love to be a singer, but the idea of singing outside the 'safe' environment of the church or for anything to do with the gospel choir kills me inside.
People have an issue with me being fat? Amazing, we have something in common, but I bet I hate it more than you do!!

Some people try to disregard the fact that I am, in fact disgusting by saying stuff like 'You're such a lovely person, it doesn't matter what you weigh' or.... 'I never see you as fat, I just see you as you' Which in it's self is a lovely, wonderful thing to say to someone. However, it doesn't outweigh (get it..ha!) the comments from strangers on the streets, the cowardly yells from people out of their windows as they drive past me (WALKING, may I add...whilst they drive...go figure..) One man in a club once said to me 'You're pretty, but you're fat, so it doesn't count.'
I have taunted and teased my entire life about being fat. From Primary school when I was the kid singing to myself picking daisies in the playground, no one wanting to play with me, being told by kids that their mums didn't like me because I was fat. Eh? Secondary school was worse, I got physically and verbally bullied a lot. I developed a lot quicker than a lot of the other girls in my year and this opened this sexual eyes of a lot of the boys which meant I was taken advantage of a lot in that sense when I was way, wayyy too young. All secretly, of course. No one would want to admit to getting frisky with a fatty, would they?
I can remember one time when I was taunted by complete strangers. I was still in school, maybe year 10 or 11 and I was on the bus and these random girls came up to me and told me that I was the most disgusting 'thing' they'd ever seen. I ignored them, they kept on and on, and on kept offering me cake, because fatties want cake all.the.flipping.time, don't they? until they shoved it in my face and I went for them. Full on went to punch them in the face and ended up ripping one girl's shirt. They ran off the bus out of the fire exit and the bus had to be stopped and this one woman basically told me she felt sorry for me 'It must be difficult...you know?' I wanted to say 'No, know what?' It's obvious.


Anyway. I am DONE feeling sorry for myself. I decided this over a month ago. I am going to change, I am going to become healthy. I am going to eat better, sleep better and move more. My housemate and I decided that we needed to detox after Christmas, all the overindulgence, meat, cream, cheese, cake, chocolate, and LOTS of it, I was feeling more heavy than usual...so I started this thing where I would eat nothing that came from animals, no meat, no fish, no dairy, no eggs, nothing that I would indulge on before. We were going to do it for 2 weeks, and we thought we'd really struggle, but we didn't. We basically became vegan and felt AMAZING. Our skin glowed, started to clear up and for the first time, I started to drop weight.
As of today, I have been vegan for 47 days and I have dropped a dress size. I threw out all my animal products and live on fruit, vegetables, grains, nuts, beans, pulses, soy products and I feel GREAT. I have started working out as well which helps.
I am starting to feel like me. I am becoming who I am meant to be. I don't comfort eat any more. I eat healthy foods, only when I get hungry, when I feel miserable, I distract myself in other ways (like this blog, for example..I love to write.) I still love to cook, and I love to share food with other people, who are surprised how good life without meat tastes.

I need to VENT!!!

But it will have to be a quick one...

So, silly me and my STUPID lack of organisation I'm facing an essay I haven't researched for that's due in on FRIDAY...I've just got writer's block at 500-ish words and I have at least 2,000 to go..this doesn't bode well so far.

I'm getting a SPOT on my upper lip, right underneath my nose, it's gross and very sore. When will this teenage skin thing ever stop? I'm guessing by the time it does stop, I'll have wrinkles. BUFF.

I CANNOT CONCENTRATE FOR THE LIFE OF ME. I spent ages re-arranging the few photos I have on my wall....literally AGES..then a good 10 minutes playing a youtube video of babbling babies pressing random buttons making my own little remixes.. Printed off a 'keep calm and carry on' poster to put on my wall...

I AM NOT CALM AND/OR INCLINED TO CARRY ON...

someone has stolen the hoover, going on a hoover hunt in order to clean my carpet is wasting more time than needed. Why would someone steal the hoover!? It's been gone for 2 days, and I miss Victor...

Anyway, I could go on, but I won't...

Another cup of coffee and maybe a cheeky trip to the vending machine and i"ll wap out at least another 500 words tonight..AT LEAST!

New Blog

It seems apt that in this 'journey of self discovery' (vom, I actually hate that phrase- blah blah blah) that I should start another blog...this one will be more chatty, and probably not very often read, but never mind, eh?

I always joked that there were 3 stages of self obsessed internet output, that would go from facebook, to twitter to blogging...and yes, I have found myself addicted to all three, HOORAH!

Anywho, for anyone who cares,

Currently....

I am blonde,

My obsession with Adele paused for a couple of weeks, but like the first taste of chocolate after fasting from it, when I listened to her live version of Cheryl Cole's 'Promise This' from Radio 1's live lounge(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Czwlth4mx5Q if you haven't seen it!), the love was rekindled.. I think I'd go as far as to say that we should be bezzies...I think we'd get on....plus she'd be awesome to do backing vocals for...if on the offchance that Adele, you are reading this, don't think I'm a crazy stalker fan, you're just an absolute babe!

I should be writing a 2,500-3,000 word essay right now..and I'm not. I haven't even started. It's due in on Friday, and it's Tuesday...am I going to die? Probably...I don't even think I care anymore...

I am a little bit addicted to using elipses (...) and it annoys me. So sorry if it annoys you too.

AND, most importantly, I will be 20 on Sunday....scary, huh?


So this was just a wee welcome to my new blog, enjoy some Babbles from the Beeba :)

lurve x x x